First of all, Happy New Year. I hope everyone who wastes their time and reads this blog has a healthy and happy 2011. Keep your resolutions realistic.

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Palin's New Show

I have a great new reality show which I would love to share with you. It's called "Sarah Palin: Road to DC." In it, Palin wins the Republican nomination. The episodes revolve around her journey to convince voters to support her bid. She'll be filmed on the campaign trail shaking hands, attending fish fry dinners, and bashing the media outlets that cover her.

The season finale occurs on election night with Palin losing 40 states to Barack Obama. Despite the assertions of Rush Limbaugh, Palin ultimately does not appeal to really anyone. Her running mate, Jim DeMint, is also forced to admit his homosexuality following an exposed liaison with a parking attendant.

The finale ends with her husband Todd leaving her for a Hooter's waitress he met in Dayton, Ohio.

The Tracker

Fox News has run a couple stories on lesbian gangs. While some are prison-based, others supposedly roam the streets terrorizing non-lesbians. As a concerned citizen, I think the following reality show might be in order.

Fox should hire a tracker to hunt these lesbian gangs and bring them to justice. The episodes will follow the "tracker" as he and his team search bowling alleys, auto supply stories, and Lilith Fair concerts in search for these gangs. The studio audience of Ellen and Oprah will also have to be searched.

The end of the season will involve dropping these "gangs" off at the annual meeting of the Republican National Committee in Washington.

Top Chef: Warzone

There is a whole group of reality tv shows like "Top Chef" where people make food which is then graded by judges. The food reviews are often annoying, as the judges pontificate and generally bitch about the food. This has always struck me as a little insensitive. Both here in the US and abroad, there are many people who remain "food insecure." That's a polite way of saying they have no idea where their next meal is coming from. You give these people food, they're going to eat it. They won't complain because the custard is off or because the quail is liberally covered in olive oil.

So, in the spirit of this blog, I offer a new cooking show. Transport a group of American chefs to Africa and have them cook dishes for famished villagers. The judging is pretty simply. If the food sucks, you get beheaded. Following the first and only episode, the kitchen is ransacked and the studio is torched. The American chefs will get flown back to the US, but only after several weeks of forced labor.

The host of the show will be the fat girl from Glee. She'll lock herself in a cabinet and live on peanut butter for weeks.

Redneck Treasure

Well folks, when you're rich and you butter your bread because an audience tuned in thinking it was watching a tractor race, you better know your f&*#!% demographic. Being rich in the redneck reality tv game, means pretending to be poor. Not poor, I'm a working mom on the edge. F&*# that. No, I'm talking about redneck poor. Winter's Bone on crack poor. See the shot below. This is your demographic, if it weren't Hollywood actors and actress acting poor. No, the grits are a permanent dietary item, not some minor Robert Downey Jr. stray from the norm before wandering back to the 20th Century Fox teet. So when you are in reality, you better act poor, stupid, and more importantly, live that Confederate dream.

A bit on ratings and what that means to rednecks across the promised land. Behind closed doors, ratings aren't compiled based upon some soccer mom in Rhode Island watching Oprah and wondering if she should stick a knife in the toaster to get the wheat bread out. No, ratings are based upon the American/Redneck index. If you are from the CSA--Confederate States of America--you are an important niche market for products like motor oil, Jimmy Dean sausages, and midget pornography. On the other hand is the boring index. Yeah, I'm looking at you day traders and golf cart salesmen. You are boring, so please go be boring somewhere else. So, Hollywood needs to step up to the f&*#!% plate and cater to its real audience, if you'll pardon my f&*#!% franglish. And this audience is the redneck. It is a redneck reality revolution. So let's get a 2.9 share in the 18-49 demo, or your mom is gonna throw bacon grease on you pigs.

Well, I'm obviously unstable, and that is what makes me perfectly f&*#!% competent to speak about redneck reality tv. It is an untapped market. That's right. Reality tv sucks because it isn't stupid and poverty stricken enough. We need bum fights. Bears drinking whiskey. Wet t-shirt contests using rank swamp water. This is the shit that makes life worth living, or more accurately, watching others live. And do we want to watch real poor people struggling to get by, gang raped by politicians who are hyped up on non-FDA approved penile supplements? No, that is stupid. We want celebrities to "act" reality. So let's bring on the celebs. Drop them into West Virginia with a pack of birth control and an elephant rifle and let them have at it. I'll be watching, and so will you, if you're a real redneck at heart, and not some boring ass day trader or golf cart salesmen. Did I already say that. Well, shit. Reality tv writing, like reality tv, is all about rinse wash and repeat. And if you don't like that, well go be boring on your own f&*#!% time. Asshole.

VA Reality Show

Recently, there have been several stories in both the local and national media detailing a lack of adequate services for some veterans. While it be unfair to criticize many of the decent people who do work for the VA, it is clear that there is room for some improvement. I think this would provide some justice to our heroic vets and also provide some entertainment in a reality show format.

The show begins with a thorough accounting for all of the instances in which VA staff blatantly denied medical care or benefits to deserving veterans. We'd narrow this down to the extreme cases, where bureaucratic negligence led to direct harm to come to veterans and their families. Once these VA "contestants" are identified, the show begins and the fun really starts.

The format is quite simply. These lazy and callous slobs are fired and have their bank accounts frozen. All of their assets are then liquidated and all of the money is given to the veterans they refused to help. At the end of the show, they're dropped off in a combat situation in Afghanistan in order to fully "understand" the nature of true military work. The host of this show will likely be Pauly Shore.

Judge Joe Random

People always ask me, Steve Nizer, to help solve complicated problems. Despite a complete and total lack of qualifications, I'm always happy to serve as a trusted counselor during times of emotional instability. Recently, I helped mediate a divorce settlement and a child custody issue. Let me share my secret with you. This would also make a great reality show.

Two people come in. They both have what they view as a legitimate grievance. Instead of seeking common ground and finding a rational compromise, I often assign blame. Say that Sarah and Roger want a second shot at love and seek me out to fix their troubled relationship. Now, an objective analyst might fault Roger for his chronic infidelity and excessive substance use. However, I side with Roger and order Sarah to pay him a monthly stipend the rest of her life. Why? Roger drives a sports car and does cool things like drink vodka from a paper bag in public. This often endears one party to me.

In another instance, Susan and Dick come in to discuss their troubled relationship. Dick is the provider and care giver, while Susan spends most of her days at the mall. However, Susan is attractive. Dick is also named "dick", so I automatically rule against him and award Susan their house.

The show is completely arbitrary and insensitive, which is much like a real counseling session with "Dr." Phil.

Last Day: The Real 24

Back in High School, we were asked in a Health class to describe what we'd do with our last day in earth. The exercise specifically asked us what we'd do if we thought we were going to die in twenty-four hours. From what I remember, people gave stock answers about spending time with family and donating items to charity. One kid answered honestly and related something about crashing a motorcycle on the freeway. This exercise has stuck with me and inspires me to propose the following show.

Round up a group of strangers and tell them (falsely) that they are suffering from a horrendous disease which has left them with only one day to live. Once the "bad news" is imparted, simply film how the contestants react. While we can't anticipate what exactly these people will do, I'm guessing it will involve risky driving, mountains of cocaine, and outrageous personal revelations. I can just envision contestants leaving their spouses to spend their last few hours partying with hookers they met under an underpass. Or, perhaps they finally break down and taser the neighborhood dog that barks all the time. Some people might also consider surfing in shark-infested waters or drag racing on the freeway with "nice people" they just met at Burger King.

The real twist happens when the contestants are told that they're not really dying and they will be held responsible for the damage they caused. Suddenly, leaving your partner and torching your car doesn't sound very appealing.

Angry Young Men

There comes a time in every young man's life when he must ask the question: am I angry? Yes, my son, you are f*&#%@! pissed. So how did you get to this point, with such anger you feel the need to rant on a reality tv show, on Fox, at 9pm Tuesdays EST, 8pm CST? Well, getting good ratings for the f*&#%@! network is one reason. Another is that you didn't take your pills. But, beneath all that bullshit, the real reason you're f*&#%@! pissed is that life is so full of f*&#%@! iPhones and twitter and reality tv shows about people other than you. And being the narcissist your father always thought you could be, you want to make a difference for all the poor dumb, angry bastards other than you.

Angry Young Men debuts this Tuesday, as holiday anxiety and f*&#%@! snow is the perfect reason to be right, f*&#%@! pissed. The show focuses on the life of Chad, an angry young asshole who recently choked his best friend over a minor dispute. Finding that all his friends left him, for various reasons, including death and sexual harassment, he sets out to find the meaning of friendship by swearing, yelling, and tugging the hair of complete strangers along with perusing gay goth record stores. He also watches repeats of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and eats chicken wings to get himself into the angry mood. This all leads to an ultimate realization in the pilot: his life f*&#%@! sucks. Episode two also includes a major realization: reality tv f*&#%@! sucks.

More on this f*&#%@! gay donkey show next week, when it will already be cancelled as a preemptive strike in the name of common decency.

Adopt a Criminal

There are certain people in society who believe that most violent criminals are not responsible for their actions. Through pressure exerted by an unjust society, good people simply make mistakes. These people also believe that sexual predators can be rehabilitated and that terrorists should enroll in yoga to overcome their issues.

I say, let's test their theory. These enlightened souls should put their money where their mouths are and adopt a criminal. This would make a great reality show. Every willing family and individual will get their chance to pick and help relocate a deserving Gitmo prisoner or death row inmate. Instead of drab cells and intolerant guards, these newly free individuals will get to live in basements and apartments in nice places like Vermont and San Francisco. For the lucky families, this will be just like adopting a puppy. Well, minus the risk of having your house torched while you're handcuffed inside.

The second season can film a lot of nice scenes in cemeteries and courtrooms.

Krazy Kardashians

The Kardashians are everywhere. You can watch their antics on E! practically every hour. Yet, I think they should be involved in a new production. Before I e-mail my idea to Ryan Seacrest, I wanted to share it with my loyal fan base.

In this new show, Kim and her sisters will all take low-paying retail jobs. Their phones will be confiscated and they will be unable to access Twitter. During the course of each episode, they will be treated like "normal people". They won't fly to Spain on a whim, nor will they be able to leave Los Angeles County for any reason. At the end of the season, they are mistaken for illegal immigrants and deported.

A second season could begin with all of their possessions being donated to charity and their palatial home being given to the families of wounded soldiers. Bruce Jenner will be still allowed to live there, as he once held a job.

Survivor: Residential Home

Most reality shows eliminate contestants, or vote them off. This was famously done on "Survivor", when you extinguished your torch and left the island. While this has become pretty formulaic, a friend of mine suggested a new alternative to the reality show experience. Instead of voting people off, vote them on!

The concept is simple. Fill a house with an outrageous group of strangers and have them engage in the usual depraved reality show behavior-lying, fights, sexual flings, etc. Then, just as you're expecting your least favorite housemate to be eliminated, a new contestant is voted onto the show. Each week, a new person will be brought to the house. As more people are brought in, chaos ensues. People will now have to share their sleeping space with multiple people. The food budget only marginally increases, so each contestant will have to compete for newly scarce resources like bottled water and cheese.

The best of the show is that the contestants are screened for their inability to cope. Healthy applicants are screened out, while those with obvious issues are brought on. Much like Dr. Phil's "House of Hatred", people with potentially violent disagreements will be forced to live under the same roof. As the crowding increases, so does the insanity. I'm not sure how the game ends, but I know that it will probably have higher ratings than "Jersey Shore."

Welcome

The purpose of this blog is to expose the shameless insanity that is pop culture in America. We aim to be like TMZ, minus the paid staff, office, or credibility.

I'd like to pose the following philosophical questions in our first post:

Why are people surprised when pro athletes behave poorly and fail as role models? The NFL is more like an alternative sentencing program at this point.

Why is there a show where prospective brides battle to win plastic surgery? That's kind of like locking hungry dogs in a meat locker. The results are going to be horrendous.

When is the Real Housewives of Somalia coming to Bravo?