Waldoboro Sexuality Institute

I just wanted to pass along a great site I found pertaining to the Waldoboro Sexuality Institute, of which our very own Steve Nizer oversees: http://waldoborosi.weebly.com/index.html.

Care Bears Don't Always Care

An interesting photo I "found." 'Nuff said at that.

The Art of Fleeing

Since those beloved 70s disasters flicks--Earthquake, Airport, etc.--fleeing hasn't been done nearly as cool. Check the rest at: http://blog.moviefone.com/2006/05/03/cinematical-7-pre-poseidon-guide-to-70s-disaster-flicks/. Now within one week, fleeing has been re-defined for the iPhone app generation. That's right, not that generation with 2g phones endorsed by, in retrospect, really creepy minimalist art deco (I don't even know what that is), but a new generation with apps that can buy apps. That is app-licious. Without turning this into an article about fleeing from Apple or a bad girl Eve having a 10g in Eden, let's get back to that constant tease: what fleeing am I f@$!ing talking about?

First of all, there has been all this Wisconsin backwater bull with the demoncats fleeing the state. Union workers want to keep the right to negotiate. When we made the constitution, we negotiated the little bits and morsels and cooked up this America we now see today. But, whoops, we kept the thing on the stove too damn long. And we're burned. Burned out too. Then came Wisconsin. Wisconsin is like a bad dessert after you've been scraping off that burned shit on the corner of your rye toast when you let the cheddar combust instead of simmer. The trouble, dare I say curse, of this country is catering to the people who negotiate. Did King George III negotiate? No, he did not. He threw our asses to the wolves and sent us on a mission to f&#$ over Native Americans by getting a racial minority to actually think the word Native is PC. That is cold of Georgie Boy, but it got the job done. In that rare case, we didn't flee. They did. And, by the way, can you imagine Rush Limbaugh and the royals together? No, I cannot. I like my divas on separate continents. But I digress from my digression.

And just this morning, I read on CNN about why Americans are fleeing Libya. That's right. The article couldn't be about American's fleeing Libya. It is about "why" Americans are fleeing. Why implies there is some reason to stay, as if in this post-common sense world we have to justify leaving to make sure, you know, we're PC in doing so: http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/02/25/tekbali.libya.evacuation/index.html?hpt=C1. I can't see one possible reason to stay in that country, save if you want to watch Gadhafi go into apoplexy the way his father did when he gave birth to Gadhafi in that bunker back in the 40s. Can you imagine if the Brits ran a title "Why did Jews flee Germany"? I don't think media back in the Nazi Dark Ages would throw little veiled pokes at their Semite readers -- did you really, really, think about how your fleeing Germany would make the Germans feel about themselves?

In further fleeing news, on Cuban Broadcasting Company, the cigar might be extinguished for good: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/48632. That's right. Charlie Sheen's magnum opus might be over on the family friendly network. I guess the studio heads figured icing the deal with a cuban and a line off a prostitute was just recreational. A once a week handshake of a different sort. Instead, it was a sign of things to come. I didn't hate the show, but wasn't its biggest fan either. What I'm scared of now is how many more crime shows CBS can muster in its line up. I hear they're going to pilot with one starring Minnie Driver. She can bust produce vendors, and do an impression of her Goodie Will co-star saying "How bout them apples?" No, I'll pass. I'll frankly flee from that show the same way anyone with a heart should from MTV's Skins. What remains is the question of whether CBS can come up with another show with a c, i, and s in the title. I mean, there they had CSI. Then CSI Miami. Then CSI New York. Then NCIS, which I've heard pronounced NCSI. So how about SIC, Specialized Interrogation and Communication. A show about figuring out a better way to say "Can you hear me now?" You in Afghania, in the service, and need a cell phone call stat? Call SIC and they're there. SIC also does wiretaps and rescues senators from Manchurian Candidate situations where radio waves are involved. So SIC really is the next best thing - a technological thriller procedural that respects and supports the armed services and can also spawn cheapie episodes with some douchebag looking into a computer monitor like I am right now. If being that douchebag entitles me to union standard pay, I'm in.

And with that, we're back to unions. That's right. I guess those guys might have, *cough*, been right. We're burned, battered, over saturated like Arod with CDiaz and that bag of popcorn, and we're Americans. And we should keep those unions we fled years ago to get. We're Americans and we're proud to be the fleeing type, because if there's one thing this nation does, it flees with the best of them. Right down to fleeing from England, we know how to get moving when it counts. And that makes me- *fleeing from Steve Nizer for not writing a column in a month*.

Until next time, my fleeting and fleeing readership.

Bubbly Bigotry: Pepsi Max Edition

I drink Pepsi Max. Whoa. I was even drinking Pepsi Max during the Super Bowl to get a nice little caffeine buzz going. I mean, those 70 odd mg's of caffeine really help the football focus. So, anyway, there I am drinking this 70 mgs of caffeinated Pepsi Max goodness when there's a commercial about an angry black woman "accidentally" assaulting a white woman with a Pepsi Max while "innocently" attempting to domestically assault her beau into good dietary practices. This commercial is just not offensive, it is dangerous. I mean, first of all, is there a hidden vibe that black men cannot be with white woman, or said white woman will take a Pepsi Max to the torso? Secondly, how is it okay that men take abuse from women in this ad? As many on Youtube point out (a natural reservoir of untapped social commentary if you can get past the gay jokes and rampant geeking), if these roles were reversed and a man was throwing a Pepsi Max at his wife, it would be WRONG for a) suggesting hitting a woman is funny and b) suggesting that the woman should lose weight to please her man. But men are fatasses, so this is all good. And yes, I really just did do the PC argument even after my past rants.

I'm on my meds and I'm drinking a Diet Coke, so I'm running on more energy and goodwill than the whole internet was after each Sunday's Mully-Sculder will they bone or won't they sex flame war (EST 1995-2001). None of this is maximumly exciting, except the whole Mulder Scully sex farce bit and maybe the whole 0 carbs bit. And if you don't agree and actually think this ad was awesome, well you're a bad person and will burn in hell. And if you are an atheist, you will not get air conditioning this next summer. And finally, why is the in-shape black man getting yelled at for his diet in the first place? He looks like he could out run his wife, with enough time to spare to run to the Burger King and have it his way. So I'm guessing diabetes isn't the problem, or the Pepsi Max might not be the Holy Grail to imbibe with such gusto and *insert witty, condescending word here*.

And lastly, not all black women are violent and sassy. Yeah, sure, I find a sassy black woman has the potential to be funny. Don't we all? The same way Rosanne or a Tonka truck has the potential to be funny. And while we're at it, let's TRADEMARK "SASSY BLACK WOMAN (TM)" for a weekly comic strip. It might even be less repetitive than the jokes in Dilbert! But in the case of Pepsi Max, it isn't how much Sassy Black Woman you show, it's how psychopathic you make her. This Sassy Master drove her man to drink (Pepsi Max), assaulted a white woman, put her dietary values on others with violence, and fled a crime scene all in a very short window. Even in GTA San Andreas, it is difficult to screw the pooch that much in such a short window. I almost spit up the Pepsi Max, and not in a good sort of way. I'm pissed. And I haven't been drinking (for a change). Angry TV Maven out.

Celeb Showdown #1: Ryan Murphy vs. The Arcade Fire

"They’re not good people, that’s it." Vincent Moon uttered these harsh words in an interview when asked what happened to the Arcade Fire (http://www.eyeweekly.com/music/interview/article/110254). The band started as an indie juggernaut, lulling the hipsters into a fall sense of superiority. But now that they and their fans have been wearing those all-too-tight-jeans for seven years post-Funeral, circulation is finally starting to stop. And when you can't wiggle and jiggle, you become a tad prickly. I guess that's what Moon felt. Add the label "sellout" to their increasing ability to rival Adam Sandler assholedom, and you've got a indie diva hit squad ready to pump out the mediocre mellow mashups over and over. Let's put these douchebags in the right hand corner laddies and gentlemen.

And in the other corner, you have diva Ryan Murphy, the creator of Glee and Nip/Tuck! BOO! As he gets hyped up on pcp, Murphy raves that Kings of Leon wouldn't appear on his sellout creation Glee. "Fuck you, Kings of Leon" warbles Murphy, wondering if he was clever enough with his ripostes that the far classier and witty band might appear on his shit show (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/26/kings-of-leon-vs-glee-nathan-followill-fires-back-at-ryan-murphy-in-homophobic-rant_n_814351.html). Glee, as Steve Nizer pointed out, is the type of show where Ryan Seacrest would fit in like dick in glove. Nip/Tuck was the start of this decent into melodramatic overkill. The surgeries, the drugs, the surgeries, the drugs. Wait, did I repeat myself? Sorry, I was trying to flirt with my shrink and got distracted. Anyway, Glee is self-indulgent, if not mildly enjoyable. And Ryan Murphy is the flamboyant supernova that explodes regularly, disintegrating all the decency around him on a weekly basis. Hallelujah.

So now that the both of our contestants are firmly douching it up in their disrespective corners, let's get these two misunderstood artists rumbling for the fun of mankind. That's right. Another reality show about a self-absorbed band past their prime and a gay showrunner who rumbles and tumbles if an autistic 10 year old gives him a funny look. They live together in a homeless shelter cum soup kitchen, doing the decency for the lowly commoners while behind the scenes they bitch about the conditions, and more importantly, each other. The winner gets to leave first and get back to making overrated crap. The other, *shiver*, has to stay until a celebrity jury made up of former reality tv stars determines that they have learned at least one important life lesson. It's terrible, it's degrading, it's educational. And it's great tv. Maybe not HBO. But HBO kinda is sucking ever since they cancelled Rome. Bastards.

Lears of War!

Face it, we live in an increasingly video game oriented culture. But our schools are stuck in the past, like the crazy old badger down the street still listening to his Elvis LPs like it was 1959. If we are going to beat the Chinese (at what, I don't know), we have to get better than ever at designing an educational system that relates to our kids, no matter how bizarre a place that takes us. Steve Nizer and myself, along with a trained group of NASA monkeys, got together to brainstorm and focus group video game / literacy best practices. Many hours and Subway meatball subs later, we upgraded our list of potential titles from alpha to beta. In these hallowed next few lines potentially rests the future of American education:

Mass Inflect - You star as Commander Shepard, a space faring marine charged with saving the galaxy. But you have a terrible stutter, much like Colin Firth playing King George IV. The twist is that you actually speak decently with aliens, such as the Asari and Krogan. But with your fellow humans, you're a verbal basketcase. Enter a series of minigames that teach you the self confidence to inflect those r's and g's with such authority, such élan, that the entire galaxy will take notice. And you might just save the world, because you didn't stutter during that all important speech. If not, the Reapers might reap our asses. You better get on that whole saving the galaxy bit, in Mass Inflect!

Read Space - Nothing sucks more than finding an entire mining colony in space was overrun by a group of illiterate hacks. And the key this time around isn't death and destruction, it's teaching the Necromorph savages their t's and i's. Hell yeah! In the gory and grim Read Space, you are Isaac Clarke, an homage to Isaac Asimov and Arthur C. Clarke. But even with such literary roots, Isaac struggles to teach the bloodthirsty hoard their abc's. As the player, you must use your literary air rifle to shoot words such as "donkey" and "asshole" at the Necromorphs, or else you might find yourself illiterate too!

Lears of War - Once students become accustomed to the grind of games such as Mass Inflect and Read Space, Lears of War is the next natural step. The Bard needs a good video game to teach us his works. You play as the uneducated fool Marcus Fenix, who has only picked up a book once, and only bothered to do so because he ran out of bullets and needed a blunt object to bash over a Locust's head. In Lears, Fenix must use the teachings of the Bard when his decision to divide his firearms collection between his three squadmates leads to jealousy and potential destruction at the hands of the Locusts. A brief bit in the game also has you looking for puzzle clues in frames from the film Throne of Blood, the Kurosawa masterpiece every school kid should watch in his or her spare time. That or Adam Sandler's collective works -- genius, like a puck to the groin.

Red, Read, Retention - Well, if you made it to high school, you know retention is ever so important. With the online SAT software Red, Read, Retention, you'll be learning vocabulary like no other. As John Marston, you wander the desert searching for your former outlaw gang. This time, the key to victory is coming across literate enough to convince local towns people you aren't a former outlaw. When you do convince them, they either sign up to help fight the bad guys, or give you the locations of treasures, etc. This all leads to a showdown with Bill Williamson, where you must defeat your former gang pal by outsmarting him with fancy vocabulary, like antediluvian and Sacajawea dollar.

Bioclock - Since we're in high school, let's get that uncomfrotable sex ed class out of the way with Bioclock. In the game, you learn of the horrible effects of aging, and why if you're going to have kids, might as well be before the age of 60, cause it ain't going to happen after that. The story includes Ayn Rand and Andrew Ryan getting it on in their 70s, and the ultimate horror that results. I know those Viagra commercials are tempting, but sometimes just leave procreation to the professionals: 40 somethings and younger.

Statman: Arkham Arithmetic - You star as Statman, a caped crusader struggling with his sexuality who must defeat the Smoker. As Statman, you team up with Radius, a mathematician who likes Michael Jackson tunes and watching reruns of Captain Planet in those tight spandex. Together, you must figure out enough word problems to gain the support of the Gotham Stat Department and ultimately smoke out the smoker. The game, besides teaching kids math, is a poignant exercise in understanding the addictiveness of cigarettes, and why all the great American Smoke Out needs is one superhero: you!

Call of Duty: Modern Workfare - The one trouble with our video game list thus far is the lack of real social issues and commentary. In my mind, nothing pisses off more than welfare. C'mon, why pity these poor bastards who can't get by because of the military and prison industrial complexes? We got more complexes than Freud could whoop on our asses, and these whiny little poor stricken masses keep wanting help. Well, like any good educational system, it is our job to teach our kids not to pity them, but to be angry with those penurious pleasure seekers. Enter Call of Duty: Modern Workfare. In the game, you play as some character or another, I never can tell who, dealing with Ozark poor people when the country is invaded by the Australians. Unlike past Call of Duty games, this is pure realism. Great set pieces include No Grits, No Glory being invaded, where you play as the redneck cook, and a hunt for sasquatch, who actually contracts for the CIA as a liaison to DOD.

Unstarted: Drake's Misfortune - Drake didn't go to college, and spends his time chasing the world for treasure and a lovely girl named Elena. But he doesn't have a steady job or a wife, so he fails the American Educational Litmus Test (patent pending). Enter the player, who must jump and riddle him or herself to a more satisfying outcome: a pension, stable home with a stable wife on Prozac, and a college degree that doesn't do shit. Every time you get a treasure or the girl, the game erases your save and force quits you to the main menu. But if you choose to go to college and take classes in-game, your progress saves and you get gamer points!! This teaches you that having fun and adventure is just a path towards misfortune. So don't be "unstarted" in your college search, be proactive!

Assassin's Read - If going to college ends up not being an option, the military has positions open in all sectors. But, as recent studies have show, many of its applicants are not reading at a reasonable benchmark. Enter Assassin's Read, a video game designed to teach prospective soldiers to multitask between their soldiering duties and linguistics like the snap of a finger, or flash of a muzzle. Play as Ezio, the deadly assassin who has self esteem issues because he can't figure out all this freakin' Latin bullshit.

The future of American Education awaits you: video games for your child's education!! Next week: Steve Nizer learns to read and the world is a better place!!

Holy Crap Batman!

Bruce Wayne... err... Raffaello Follieri... and Anne Hathaway

Well today we all learned that Tom Hardy will be Bane in the finale of Christopher Nolan's Batman Trilogy. Great... he is a fantastic actor. No Holy Crap Batman there. But it is also reported that Anne Hathaway will take over as Catwoman. Meow indeed. Hathaway is known for her work getting owned by Merryl-I-can-act-and-you-can't-bitch-Streep in The Devil Wears Prada. But it must have been Brokeback Mountain that got Nolan to really notice her while he was brushing up on Ledger's cowboying.

So celeb casting, has this blog come to this? Kind of. The real story here is about an ever increasing and truly disturbing trend in the casting of the Batman franchise. Almost more disturbing than the Joker's chuckle, but just almost.

First of all, let's note that Batman is the ultimate canvas for art imitating life. A billionaire becomes a supernatural cape crusader, and his surreal new persona reflects his dark past. The "bat" is downright gothic, edgy. Just like Bruce Wayne's perception of the world. Oh he may say this mask is supposed to inspire fear in the enemy, but it is just as much his expressionistic f'ed up view of the world put to mask. In other words, the fury and fear that Batman conjures up derives not from of the idea of bats, but from the broken and battered expression of Bruce Wayne himself. Well, whoop de do you're probably saying. And I might too. But here, the film version of the Bat takes this notion of art imitating life to the next level. Casting Anne Hathaway is yet further proof. Hathaway has a criminal past of sorts. Her longtime boyfriend Raffaello Follieri committed fraud and laundered money, before ultimately being caught in 2008. As this blog's benefactor, the esteemed Stephen Nizer the III, points out, how could Hathaway not know about his criminal enterprise? I understand that evil sometimes skates by unnoticed. But he committed a bit more than adultery, right? He stole. He acted like a frickin' Gotham criminal, somewhere on the evil-o-meter between, say, Scarecrow (not that scary) and Croc (well he bites, in a good way). So plenty evil enough to be noticed by his feline fatale. And yet she stuck around, in all likelihood purrrrrfectly content not saying anything. She loved the fake Raffaello Follieri, affording her styles straight out of The Devil Wears Prada shoot. Loved his fake ass much like Catwoman loves her some bat suit latex. Bruce Wayne? Pffft. Where's the thrill in hitting that when you got your bat bib on and are ready to go? But I digress. Hathaway is great for the role. She probably has the slight criminal background covered, or at least knows how to look the other way. And her love for the bat... well just look at Follieri... looks a lot like Bruce before he stopped being all domestic. So definately life imitating art the whole way. This shouldn't be too hard for Hathaway, and props to Nolan for finding someone who won't have a hard time method acting this bit.

So how about some other examples to prove my theory? I don't like having to prove anything, but I guess I should so I might bring a bit of credibility after my recent f-ups. (Remember, Nizer hasn't lifted my swear embargo, so I'll be saying f-him for the time being instead of more colorful repartee and the like.) So here goes:

Batman: Christian Bale is a talented actor, but acting like the angry Bat is hardly a stretch. A few years back he is rumored to have flipped out and got into an abusive rumble with his sister and mother. Or some family members, maybe a distant uncle or cousin? Either way, when the Caped Crusader blurts out "WHERE ARE THEY!?!?!?!?!?!?" you know this is vintage Bale. Probably had a little Chardonnay and Vodka Martini, went out there, belted out the inner Bale, and boom, there is the bat. Great filmmaking, and an even greater little Smirnoff ad waiting to happen.

Bane: Tom Hardy is a nice guy it seems. Great in Inception breaking balls. Plenty of winking at Levitt and Page's little flirtatious pirouettes. So wouldn't the bad-ass Bane be questionable for such a charmer? I can see Hardy as a Hugo Strange. But Bane?! After visiting http://www.celebritygenius.com, it all became clear. Hardy has been hanging out with Lindsay Lohan. The bane of our existences. A bad pun for sure, but we all know where this is headed. Hanging out with Lindsay is the perfect way to prep for the part. What way to rage more than by hanging out with a Lohan?

Joker: Well, it isn't nice to go there, but let's look at Heath Ledger as the Joker. The Joker was a real psycho... the type of guy that you would swear was a pill popper. And I guess Ledger wasn't the most stable in his life, sorry to say. It was sad to see him end his life, whether intentional or not, in such a sad way. A really talented guy, who Nolan knew skirted too close to the edge. So naturally, casting the manic depressant as Joker was casting genius. Honorary Academy Award genius.

Rachel: Katie Holmes plays the character in the first movie, before disappearing in the second. I guess this poof into oblivion mimics her Hollywood career.

Alright, so another mean column from a man about as far in the continental US from Hollywood as possible. But when you've got a hero like Ricky Gervais, you have to act on your impulse to attack a celebrity. In all seriousness though, doesn't this art imitating life in these Batman movies seem eerily true? If not, I guess my batting percentage will be even lower. But more than anything, isn't this whole thing unhealthy? I mean let's look at the track record of the cast members above: Hathaway has a convict for an ex, Bale has anger management issues worse than Jack Nicholson, Heath Ledger left us, Hardy is shacking up with a fresh out of rehab Lohan, and Katie Holmes is more noted as the surrogate of the scientologist's future grand poobah than as an actress. Talk about a broken and battered cast. And talk about a great movie franchise. Nolan is an evil genius.