Lears of War!

Face it, we live in an increasingly video game oriented culture. But our schools are stuck in the past, like the crazy old badger down the street still listening to his Elvis LPs like it was 1959. If we are going to beat the Chinese (at what, I don't know), we have to get better than ever at designing an educational system that relates to our kids, no matter how bizarre a place that takes us. Steve Nizer and myself, along with a trained group of NASA monkeys, got together to brainstorm and focus group video game / literacy best practices. Many hours and Subway meatball subs later, we upgraded our list of potential titles from alpha to beta. In these hallowed next few lines potentially rests the future of American education:

Mass Inflect - You star as Commander Shepard, a space faring marine charged with saving the galaxy. But you have a terrible stutter, much like Colin Firth playing King George IV. The twist is that you actually speak decently with aliens, such as the Asari and Krogan. But with your fellow humans, you're a verbal basketcase. Enter a series of minigames that teach you the self confidence to inflect those r's and g's with such authority, such élan, that the entire galaxy will take notice. And you might just save the world, because you didn't stutter during that all important speech. If not, the Reapers might reap our asses. You better get on that whole saving the galaxy bit, in Mass Inflect!

Read Space - Nothing sucks more than finding an entire mining colony in space was overrun by a group of illiterate hacks. And the key this time around isn't death and destruction, it's teaching the Necromorph savages their t's and i's. Hell yeah! In the gory and grim Read Space, you are Isaac Clarke, an homage to Isaac Asimov and Arthur C. Clarke. But even with such literary roots, Isaac struggles to teach the bloodthirsty hoard their abc's. As the player, you must use your literary air rifle to shoot words such as "donkey" and "asshole" at the Necromorphs, or else you might find yourself illiterate too!

Lears of War - Once students become accustomed to the grind of games such as Mass Inflect and Read Space, Lears of War is the next natural step. The Bard needs a good video game to teach us his works. You play as the uneducated fool Marcus Fenix, who has only picked up a book once, and only bothered to do so because he ran out of bullets and needed a blunt object to bash over a Locust's head. In Lears, Fenix must use the teachings of the Bard when his decision to divide his firearms collection between his three squadmates leads to jealousy and potential destruction at the hands of the Locusts. A brief bit in the game also has you looking for puzzle clues in frames from the film Throne of Blood, the Kurosawa masterpiece every school kid should watch in his or her spare time. That or Adam Sandler's collective works -- genius, like a puck to the groin.

Red, Read, Retention - Well, if you made it to high school, you know retention is ever so important. With the online SAT software Red, Read, Retention, you'll be learning vocabulary like no other. As John Marston, you wander the desert searching for your former outlaw gang. This time, the key to victory is coming across literate enough to convince local towns people you aren't a former outlaw. When you do convince them, they either sign up to help fight the bad guys, or give you the locations of treasures, etc. This all leads to a showdown with Bill Williamson, where you must defeat your former gang pal by outsmarting him with fancy vocabulary, like antediluvian and Sacajawea dollar.

Bioclock - Since we're in high school, let's get that uncomfrotable sex ed class out of the way with Bioclock. In the game, you learn of the horrible effects of aging, and why if you're going to have kids, might as well be before the age of 60, cause it ain't going to happen after that. The story includes Ayn Rand and Andrew Ryan getting it on in their 70s, and the ultimate horror that results. I know those Viagra commercials are tempting, but sometimes just leave procreation to the professionals: 40 somethings and younger.

Statman: Arkham Arithmetic - You star as Statman, a caped crusader struggling with his sexuality who must defeat the Smoker. As Statman, you team up with Radius, a mathematician who likes Michael Jackson tunes and watching reruns of Captain Planet in those tight spandex. Together, you must figure out enough word problems to gain the support of the Gotham Stat Department and ultimately smoke out the smoker. The game, besides teaching kids math, is a poignant exercise in understanding the addictiveness of cigarettes, and why all the great American Smoke Out needs is one superhero: you!

Call of Duty: Modern Workfare - The one trouble with our video game list thus far is the lack of real social issues and commentary. In my mind, nothing pisses off more than welfare. C'mon, why pity these poor bastards who can't get by because of the military and prison industrial complexes? We got more complexes than Freud could whoop on our asses, and these whiny little poor stricken masses keep wanting help. Well, like any good educational system, it is our job to teach our kids not to pity them, but to be angry with those penurious pleasure seekers. Enter Call of Duty: Modern Workfare. In the game, you play as some character or another, I never can tell who, dealing with Ozark poor people when the country is invaded by the Australians. Unlike past Call of Duty games, this is pure realism. Great set pieces include No Grits, No Glory being invaded, where you play as the redneck cook, and a hunt for sasquatch, who actually contracts for the CIA as a liaison to DOD.

Unstarted: Drake's Misfortune - Drake didn't go to college, and spends his time chasing the world for treasure and a lovely girl named Elena. But he doesn't have a steady job or a wife, so he fails the American Educational Litmus Test (patent pending). Enter the player, who must jump and riddle him or herself to a more satisfying outcome: a pension, stable home with a stable wife on Prozac, and a college degree that doesn't do shit. Every time you get a treasure or the girl, the game erases your save and force quits you to the main menu. But if you choose to go to college and take classes in-game, your progress saves and you get gamer points!! This teaches you that having fun and adventure is just a path towards misfortune. So don't be "unstarted" in your college search, be proactive!

Assassin's Read - If going to college ends up not being an option, the military has positions open in all sectors. But, as recent studies have show, many of its applicants are not reading at a reasonable benchmark. Enter Assassin's Read, a video game designed to teach prospective soldiers to multitask between their soldiering duties and linguistics like the snap of a finger, or flash of a muzzle. Play as Ezio, the deadly assassin who has self esteem issues because he can't figure out all this freakin' Latin bullshit.

The future of American Education awaits you: video games for your child's education!! Next week: Steve Nizer learns to read and the world is a better place!!