The New Batchelor

All of these dating shows like the "Batchelor" follow a tried and true premise. Have a group of money-grubbing whores compete for the attention of a random guy who looks like a male model. I say, put more emphasis on the random and less on the good looks.

Gather a group of women together and tell them that the winner will get to marry Carson, a billionaire race car driver who loves helping orphans and saving the rainforest. Pass around bogus pictures of an underwear model and tell them Carson will not meet them, but he will be observing their every movement.

As the season wears on, the "ladies" get a few brief, tantalizing glimpses of their object of desire. Carson leaves them presents, a gold watch here, a new ring there. At the show's finale, the lucky winner gets to meet Carson. Naturally excited, she enters into his bedroom to meet her new prince.

When she enters, she sees a big fat man laying shirtless on a bed. He offers her pork rinds and a beer. The show's production crew then reminds her of her contractual obligation to marry "Carson". She is also informed that all the presents she received are now being repossessed.

The man she saw earlier in the season was a male model paid to prance outside. Naturally, he's gay and is disgusted by women. Although strangely, he finds Carson's natural style refreshing.

Church of the Goat

This week, a new reality show following the Church of the Goat premieres on, natuarlly, Fox. Make sure to drink your virtual Irish coffee in celebration. Located in the Indiana city of Terre Haute, the Church of the Goat is a new faith-based church built upon the tenants of cooperation, wisdom, and community. Founded by internet pioneer Billy Gruff, the Church of the Goat also believes deepy in the power of digital prayer and faith-based social networking. Father Gruff, a native of Indiana, grew up on a family farm and learned to appreciate the peace and tranquility that the Lord above bestowed upon his father's herd of goats. The church, with much financial support by Father Gruff, is based upon Renaissance designs, and includes a holy moat honoring the epic battle between good and bad goat in the year of our father. As the founding practioner, Father Gruff uses his tax sheltered church as an opportunity to sermonize on the following ideals:

Thou shall not gloat.

Thou shall not dote.

Thou shall not smote.

Thou shall not proselytize by rote.

Thou shall not vote (democratic).

Thou shall not build with cheap sloat.

Thou shall watch Fox, in the absence of Goat-based tv.

The holy father of the show, Father Gruff, bestowed the following in anecdotes throughout the first episode: Subtext of the official holy writings do not connote spirituality. They are spirituality incarnate. We are the goat, have he unto us. We are the goat followers, be they strong. We are the goat, for he never leave us barren or left to ground. We shall eat the oat, for the goat says it is good. For we shall not boat evil to the enemy, for the enemy is but bloat to the goodness in our hearts. For sayeth the mighty goat, we shall rise. And be whole. Thou shall eat the flesh of shoat, but not goat, for the holy mother doth not promote thy goat for such practition. Thou shall read thy scriptures of thy goat father and mother, not thy apocrypha of the Haggadoth. Thy herd shall wear with pride the redingote in thy cold and thy warm seasons, for less or more would be an insult to the goat. And finally, thy shall not scape thy goat when thine will is forfeit. For thy goat mother and father is but a vessel for goodness, not goodness in certain. We shall pray they goat in thy tweets and thine words, but thy, more than ever, shall keep thy goat close to thine hearts. For sayest the goat mother, in our goat year, two-thousand eleven.

Since obviously this is all insane, next column I will be doing a more stable piece. If you have any, any, and I mean, ANY ideas... please tell me. I'm struggling here, and the goat doesn't seem to be helping. Shit.

Nic Cage: Fan Reality

For millions of Americans, Nicolas Cage remains a hero and an inspiration. His god-like talents have earned him a loyal following. This is the perfect set up for a new show.

Traveling around the country, producers from TLC or some other horrendous network can find his "biggest" fans. The show can visit pig farms in Arkansas, apartments in Miami, and rehab facilities in California. Once these "fans" are found and sorted, they will compete for Cage's attention.

The season finale ends with the winner (a single mother from Oklahoma) getting to meet Cage in a dinner. She's presented with a Wal-Mart rolex and a box of his pubic hair.

Clawed

If reality television has proven anything, it's that some people will do anything for fame and fortune. There's nothing wrong with an entrepreneurial spirit, but most normal people wouldn't willingly share their hangups with a national audience. This opens up another vein for these shows to thrive.

Take a group of people who have nothing in common but a shared obsession with "making it" in Hollywood. Lock them in a house and promise the winner a multi-million dollar movie contract. Outside of violence, the contestants are allowed to do anything to expel other members form the show. The fun starts when the claws come out. Literally. On the third episode, the producers drop a rescued and starving cougar into the house. As the contestants try to beat back the hungry predator, they are forced to confront their deepest desires. The contestant that doesn't have his or her face torn off then wins the show.

For the grand prize, the winner gets a cameo in Gwyneth Paltrow's new music video. They also get a lifetime supply of Alpo dog food.

Swan Song

Since reality tv does, indeed, suck proverbial and literal ass (don't ask), things must, inevitably, indubitably, and most certainly, categorically, turn to the pretentious Oscar race. And no, you uninitiated goslings, that isn't referring to Seseme Street or Blue Valentine's forlorn lover (which won't win best pic, unless William's real-life hubby comes back to scare up some support with his demonic cachinnations). In the spirit of this yearly Oscar column, I've pulled out the thesaurus and am going to go Whitman on your asses.

On second thought. F*** that. I'm tired of this pretentious bullshit, and I'm running out of wit like Mel is friends. Ten films to cover just to get a best picture nod? That is a lot of time. In fact, if taking a really long shit took me like 30 minutes, that would be like 50 good stall visits. Literally, I would have to flush like 50 good boughts of flatulence and Maxim down the proverbial toilet to deal with this stuck up shit. But if I don't, God forbid, your pretentious asses will be stringing me up for being some philistine. So let's find some common ground, so I can get back to taking my number two in peace, kapice?

Alright, I just got back from the jon with an idea... let's condense them all. Boil em down to the basics and get this shit over with. Alright... so let's list a handful. No one is going to see the King's Speech, so that is a goner. Alright... Black Swan. Lesbians, spandex, insanity... but lots of pretentious gobly gook. So let's take the whole insanity bit. The Fighter, well throw a boxer in. The Town... Boston, robbery, blah blah. True Grit, little girl on the war path. Inception.. you all seen that anyway, so let's just go with it. Oh yeah, and anyone knows that Jesse Eisenberg made The Social Wetwork, so let's miscast him as the lead. Sure. Fine. I'm getting tired. So get a pot, toss em together... hmm. Alright. So Jesse Eisenberg stars as a former child boxer who wants to rob Fenway Park to get enough money to relaunch his boxing career. But before the robbery can afford to go south, Eisenberg starts thinking this new girl, played by Mila Kunis, on his crew is making a play for leading the boys. As his sanity wanes, the action shifts to an alcoholic local sheriff who befriends a small girl who claims Eisenberg broke into her gambling addict father's dreams to get a hot tip on that weekend's Sox/Yankees match. Well, the movie ends with Eisenberg losing his arm in the attack, and watching Mark Walberg and Mila Kunis walking into the sunset, as Max Payne theme music plays.

Alright, well that is one Oscar Worthy film. Got the drama, romance, cliches and pretentious crap that makes us all love this bullshit. And it isn't reality tv, which is a f****** blessing. Alright, gotta get back to taking a shit.

Double D&Ds

Well, I'm fresh back from anger management and, strangely enough, have a newfound appreciation for the perfect blend of pharmaceuticals. In fact, taking the blue pill twenty minutes after the green has this strange effect of putting me in a f****** gregarious mood. These doctor octos or whatever the f*** keep telling me this shit will mess with my sex drive, but no sir, it does the opposite. And I'm telling you, when I've got to beat the war drum, I need a bit more than what reality tv is pushing. C'mon. Dumbasses on the Jersey shore? I could find a caravan of bimbos at the local fair. Real sexy? Now that takes skill. And a will to thrill. Real sexy is about defying standards. So when we talk nerdy girls, I'm not talking some calculator dweeb discovering the finer art of curves. I'm talking taking the dweeb and making her into a fairytale princess. Or a slut. Pick your reality poison.

Coming this spring, to Fox naturally, is this show about a group of sexy supermodels dropped into this dungeon, and forced to play this game all you little bastards call D&D. Things, of course, don't go to plan. There is lots of crying. Whining. Flirting with roleplaying dweebs, all for the American Dream of winning a Jeep Wrangler: Black Ops Edition vehicle. Nice product placement Fox, classic shit. The point of this show is to make beautiful women be brought low... make them stoop to nerdom. Then, for a second, have them like it. Naturally, if and when this happens, vote their spoiled ass off the show. Classic pump and dump, as Patty Hewes would say bitches.

Roleplaying and supermodels is the perfect pitch for a reality show because it already works. Look at Emma Watson. Well, now that she is legal, she is kinda sexy. Before, if you said that, the party van would be on its way. Point is, if you find a sexy girl, put her in some roleplaying/fantasy shit, the fanboys will go ape shit. And so will the nerd girls. But this demographic, not enough to pull of a good enough 18/49. Bullshit, I know, but those are the cold hard facts. So, remember this one... get a little teen drama in there. Two of the girls actually fall for this dweeb because he was sensitive enough to loan both of them a mace +1 to attack this goblin. And both, umm, reciprocated in scenes with plenty of pixelation and magic missiles flying. From this, the classic love triangle and plenty of on-screen bitching. And when nerd supermodels fight, the magical weapons fly... and so does the mid-eval clothing. Woot.

So the title of the show, Double D&Ds. I know, misogynistic. And, mind you, guaranteed to get all you offended people to tune in just to be outraged. And in your outrage, you bitches better be watching those Jeep Wrangler: Black Ops Edition commercials. You know it.

Next time I'm back on here, I'll be swearing more and less inclined to talk about women or roleplaying. Usually I'm angry. But I feel so happy on these meds, I could marry a cat and canary right now. Thanks a bunch losers, and don't break the internet looking for pics of women riding the dragon. Perverts.