Church of the Goat

This week, a new reality show following the Church of the Goat premieres on, natuarlly, Fox. Make sure to drink your virtual Irish coffee in celebration. Located in the Indiana city of Terre Haute, the Church of the Goat is a new faith-based church built upon the tenants of cooperation, wisdom, and community. Founded by internet pioneer Billy Gruff, the Church of the Goat also believes deepy in the power of digital prayer and faith-based social networking. Father Gruff, a native of Indiana, grew up on a family farm and learned to appreciate the peace and tranquility that the Lord above bestowed upon his father's herd of goats. The church, with much financial support by Father Gruff, is based upon Renaissance designs, and includes a holy moat honoring the epic battle between good and bad goat in the year of our father. As the founding practioner, Father Gruff uses his tax sheltered church as an opportunity to sermonize on the following ideals:

Thou shall not gloat.

Thou shall not dote.

Thou shall not smote.

Thou shall not proselytize by rote.

Thou shall not vote (democratic).

Thou shall not build with cheap sloat.

Thou shall watch Fox, in the absence of Goat-based tv.

The holy father of the show, Father Gruff, bestowed the following in anecdotes throughout the first episode: Subtext of the official holy writings do not connote spirituality. They are spirituality incarnate. We are the goat, have he unto us. We are the goat followers, be they strong. We are the goat, for he never leave us barren or left to ground. We shall eat the oat, for the goat says it is good. For we shall not boat evil to the enemy, for the enemy is but bloat to the goodness in our hearts. For sayeth the mighty goat, we shall rise. And be whole. Thou shall eat the flesh of shoat, but not goat, for the holy mother doth not promote thy goat for such practition. Thou shall read thy scriptures of thy goat father and mother, not thy apocrypha of the Haggadoth. Thy herd shall wear with pride the redingote in thy cold and thy warm seasons, for less or more would be an insult to the goat. And finally, thy shall not scape thy goat when thine will is forfeit. For thy goat mother and father is but a vessel for goodness, not goodness in certain. We shall pray they goat in thy tweets and thine words, but thy, more than ever, shall keep thy goat close to thine hearts. For sayest the goat mother, in our goat year, two-thousand eleven.

Since obviously this is all insane, next column I will be doing a more stable piece. If you have any, any, and I mean, ANY ideas... please tell me. I'm struggling here, and the goat doesn't seem to be helping. Shit.